*drums fingers on table*

actually haf lots to say
but not sure where to start
the beginning perhaps?

found out from mom
when she called on Thurs
that i received a walimah for the 6th
from a sec school fren

my my
pleasantly surprised i am

some time back
found out thru Friendster
that she's engaged
didn't really hang around much with her back then
only during the last couple of years in sec sch
and ungrateful ol' me
has never been good in keeping in touch with others
so this invitation of hers
is greatly appreciated
which reminds me
i better write that letter i plan to mail her later

gee.. i reckon
i'll be getting more of these invitations
or getting news of such events
over the next 2-5 years yea?
that is, if they all still remember me
heh

heard the Sis 'borong' a lot
during her trip to KL with her cliques
i can imagine what it muz haf been like
namely
shopping gossiping eating
shopping gossiping eating
shopping gossiping eating
heh

although i heard
the news she received
before she left for the trip
dampened her enthusiasm

haf faith Sis
it's all a test from Him
not only for u
but for all of us
especially mom and dad
heard mom cried too
i did too

i've given up
in trying to squeeze in revision
in between all that assignments
tot could squeeze in
one or two lectures per day
but i'm juz too tired
from everything
shall for now
juz concentrate on them assignments

although that means
i won't be able to entertain
the dear cousin that well when she's here
*sigh*
it's either this or that yea?

learnt the following from sat's session
we should not love Allah s.w.t.
instead we should fear Him
we need Allah s.w.t. to love us
but He does not need our love
if Allah s.w.t. needs our love
then He will be in an equal position with us
true isn't it?

there is a hadeeth that goes something like
'follow Rasul s.a.w. and Allah s.w.t. will love you'
but there is no dalil in the Quran
that we have to love Him
this whole concept of loving Him
came from Christianity
chew on it yea?

and this makes me cringe
made me felt scared too
not sure why
your prayers define you as a Muslim no?

he has a blog!

my brother has a blog!

after yesterday's IISCA session...

Sis Mariati: i need to talk to you for a while
Me: oh okei
.
.
.
Sis Mariati: someone wanted me to ask you, if you're available for marriage..?
Me:*stunned*


if you're wondering
what my reply was
told her yes i am
but not right now
not at the moment
with school and all
nevertheless
i will keep it in mind
and she's gonna ask me again
in 3 weeks time

mom's reaction?
told me to get more details
like who and what kind of person and stuffs

my thoughts?
well i've always wondered
who that significant other in my life would be
and admittedly
have been praying for some kind of sign from Him
could this be the answer to my prayers?

not asking for much
just someone
who could show me Jannah
here and thereafter
someone
who would be the best khalifah
for me and my family

Ya Rabb
please guide me

i looked into them surahs
as pointed by him

moments later
i received news
that made me real happy

she's coming in july
insya'allah

definitely an up for the day

for wizzo
it is unIslamic
but can't you see
that was all in the past
the results of which
i'm paying for
in the present day
not looking forward
to what's waiting for me
on Judgement Day
but berani buat
berani tanggung right?

for dohter darling
all the besh for your papers dear
and pray for me too love
*muacks* *hugs*

This entry
Would by far
Be my most
Revealing entry yet
I don't even care
If the people affected
Never read about this
I just HAVE to pen it down

I cant help wondering
How the outcome would be
If mom hadn’t meddled

The move would still happen I guess
But perhaps
Things could have been
On the road to recovery
If I had done it myself

I'm not even angry at mom
For meddling
She was just
Trying to look out for me
In the first place
She wouldn't have had to meddle
If I haven't done IT

I know how mom is
I know how she can sound like
She's brushed a lot of people the wrong way
Because of the way she is

But how could she think
That I was out for her money???
For pete's sake
That's like the last thing on my mind
Whatever gave her that idea???
She's one of the most trusted people in my life
Heck I trust her more than I trust myself
I was willing to pay up
And even tried arguing with mom about it
But mom was worried
That I wouldn't be able to find replacements in time
And would have to bear the consequences

She probably thinks
That i've been bitching about her to mom
That i've been talking badly about her to mom
When the truth is
I haven't
Of course
She could not believe me
Considering all the lies that i've been telling
Can't blame her for hating me
Or trusting anything I say or do anymore
I don't really care if she hates me
Or her parents too for that matter
What hurts most
Is the notion
That i'm out for her money
Could come to her mind

Her hatred
And their despise
Is fully justified
I've never been able to forgive myself for it either
Which is why
I'm not going to force
A friendship between us
She would however
Be one of those in my life
Whom I would always recall
With bittersweet memories

She won't speak to me anymore
And I can't blame her
I'm not sure what I should do
Not talking to each other for 3 straight days
Is so wrong, so unIslamic
But if I make the first move
Would she respond in kind?
The very doubt I have
For the silence during the holidays
And for not being the one to start the ball rolling

And then there's mom

How do I make her understand?
That I'm doing all this for her

How do I make her see?
That all her worrying is unnecessary?

She thinks that the late nights i'm keeping in school
Is due to what's happening at home
And she's worried about me going home when it's dark

How do I make her understand?
That I'm doing all these
Because of my love for them
And not because of what's happening at home

I can't concentrate at home
Not due to what's happening
Simply because with the laptop in front of me
I would be doing everything
But concentrating on what's important
I find that i'm more productive
When I do my work in school

How do I make her see?
That I find immense pleasure
In staying late
And being able to do jemaah prayers
Especially if it's Maghrib and Isyak
When the surahs will be read out loud

How do I make her see?
That all her worrying is unnecessary
That I firmly believe He will watch over me
Especially since
My nawaitu for doing all these
Is for them?

How do I make her understand?
That i'm doing all these
Because I want them to be proud of me

She assured me
That they know what my standard is

I know very well Ma
That i'm not like Yani and Haliim
That i can never be like them
I've long given up trying to be like them
But I want to be able to do something
That both of you can be proud of
Something that can make them look up to

How do I stop her from worrying?
That I would not return to my ways
Back in jc

I've learnt my lesson well Ma
Those days will never return
It's probably because
I don't want that to happen
That I did what I did

I'm tired
Of crying since last night
Of thinking
Of everything

"When we commit a sin
Do not blame it on Syaitan
Instead
Blame ourselves
For not being able to subdue Syaitan"
Hazrul's absolutely right

In a hadith related by Ali r.a.,
"There is no burden
Upon a soul
Than more he can bear"

In another hadith
Of which the source was not noted
"None should fear anything
Except sin
And expect nothing from anybody
Except from Allah s.w.t."

I learnt of these
And a few others
During yesterday's IISCA's class
They struck an achingly familiar chord

I could put down the timing of which I learnt about them
To two options
1)utter coincidence
2)a sign from Him trying to tell me something

I choose to believe the latter

And with that
I shall fight on
And continue to believe
That all this is happening
For a reason
A reason which
For now
I am not able to understand
But someday
Somewhere along the road
It would be crystal clear to me

meddle meddle meddle

mums seems to be best at doing this yea?

though this time
aint sure if i should be glad
or otherwise
at her meddling

thru her meddling
all the cards have been laid on the table
with it also
it has come to a closure
something which has been left hanging
finally has an ending to it
something that should have been done a loong time ago
has finally happened

now that it's over
i dunno if i should be
a) relieved that it's over coz i've been walking on eggshells
or
b) sad that it should come to this state

they despise me
she hates me
somehow
i feel glad knowing this
weird aye?
it's like
when you've done something wrong
scold me damn it
hate me
it makes me feel a whole lotta better

are we enemies?
i'm not sure
i sure hope not
it's wrong in Islam no?
but yeah
the stigma will always be there
can never be forgotten
nor forgiven yea?

the web of lies i've created
is hurting the ones i love
been such a munafiq
one of those people hated by Him yea?
think He'll forgive me?

perhaps
this is the punishment from Him yea?

*looks up*
what have you got in store for me huh?
whatever it is
bring it on Big Guy
if this is the way
to show my faith in ya
then bring it on
i'm ready for your test insya'allah

on another note
with all the atrocities that's going on
in Iraq
the US sanction on Syria
in Palestine
makes me feel
disgusted? ashamed?
at myself mind you
like what the hell am i doing here?
this paper chase of mine
what worth will it be?
at the end of the day
how will it help my ummah?
i shouldn't be here dammit
i should be doing something
something more than just making du'a
i should be doing something for the ummah

question is
what?

the du'a on his saturday 8th may entry reminded me of him
i taught him that du'a
in his trying to get over someone we both know
his diary
that's what he used to call me

and now?
*shrugs*
we're hardly in touch

i guess things tend to change
between good friends who are of the opposite sex
when one gets attached
sad but true yeah?

come 18th may
will be his 2nd year
engagement anniversary

wishing him all the best

*smiles*

there was a sudden whole group of them
brothers dressed smartly
smartly as in the Islamic way
mcm pakcik2 kat masjid kinda smart-ness
complete with janggut
and sweet-smelling minyak atar
or those types of perfumes
you usually smell at masjids

they gathered in the prayer room
and had some kind of usrah/discussion

there i was
in the sisters' side of the room
contemplating
go home early and do my work
or do it in the prayer room

actually
today was supposed to be a JAD programming session
supposed to meet Alastair
but he left
even before classes end for me

since he left
i was kinda left with nothing to do
but my own work and revision

eventually
decided to stay
and do my work in the prayer room

reckoned i'll stay till after Maghrib
at the same time
praying and hoping hard
whoever lead the jemaah Maghrib
would read powerful surahs

and he did
surah al-Mulk
not everything
but parts of it
was able to recognise it right away

am pleased that i stayed after all

almost 1pm
and i havent started on my household chores for the day
heh

reached home ard 1am last night
Aisyah stayed the night
for safety reasons and all

lemme start from Friday night aye?

the quiz at Clayton wasn't an Islamic quiz
it was a quiz in general
though there was one category on religion
it was fun
a wonderful effort by the young club
they should think about co-organising events with Caulfield though
and yeah
i finally got to meet other sg girls
and it was a night of junk food
we were seated in groups of 4 to 5
around a table filled with chocs and chips
that was juz for starters
for dinner
we were served with pizza
and charcoal bbq chicken
yummy-ness i tell you

now let's talk about what happened after IISCA yea....

went shopping!!!
it was retail therapy for me
hehehe
i blew off almost $150 altogether
including tix for the movie
which was AUD$15
hahaha!
bought a new jacket from Katie's
and a sweater as well
also bought my Oceanus body foam

the movie
it was nice-ness
heh
but Bad and Aisyah
i can't see what you guys find so good-looking abt Zayed Khan
ehehe
mcm the lembik type of actors jer...
the kind that play second fiddle to the lead
can't hardly fight kinda hero
the action sequences in the movie mcm fake gitu
dunno whether it was done on purpose or not though
but yeah
the songs are wonderful
downloading them right now
ahakz

IISCA's class yest was....
DIFFERENT

total great-ness
Sis Mariati/Umm Amatullah did not touch on Ulumul Hadeeth
instead she related an incident
that happened with her husband that morning
which made her reflect on this

how many of us actually stop to think
REALLY THINK
of stepping back from our daily activities
and juz.... think of our relationship with Him..?
in all our busy-ness and all... do we think of Him..?

some food for thought i left with from the class:

we do not leave the world with our iman
instead we die with our deeds
our deeds ARE the results of our iman

hardship is nikmah
only through hardship
do we turn to Him

salat CANNOT be a habit
u will lose the essence of it if it is

the nikmah of Allah s.w.t. is the nikmah of Allah s.w.t.

alhamdullillah for letting me say alhamdullillah

Bik Na's organised a gettogether at her house today
in honor of Mak Nyayi
for Mother's Day
gonna call her house later
so can talk to everbody
*grins*

for now
tons of housework to be done

Date: 07.05.04
Time: 2045hrs Melbourne time

Witchy: *muacks* me ngidam tosey
Me: beli ar.... sana senang nak dapat kape =P
Witchy: teringat time tuh tak dapat join u go komalas
Me: aaawww... KIV sampai i balik k... ajak taqi ah... dia kata tu hari komalas his fave
Witchy: ok it's a date. u blaja rajin2 k. takmo main2. nanti balik kita go komalas, me u n taqi
Me: k onz!! wah.. enjoy taqi date ngan 2 bebz
Witchy: suruh dia beli lottery k that week

belated birthday wishes going out to Fizal dearie (5th May)
dah 22 seh~
=====================================
i knew it
it had to be IT
it was the only explanation I could find for
a) my sudden craving for peanut butter at 2 a.m. on early Tuesday morning
b) my sudden urge to buy and snack on MSG namely Smith's/Nachos on Wednesday night (bought Nacho cheese eventually)
c) my ability to gorge on a box of Arnotts' shapes pizza last night
it’s that monthly thing that we girls have
yes
PMS
it does crazy things to my tastebuds
and right now
i'm craving for McDonald's sausage mcmuffin with egg breakfast meal

*bleargh*

anyway
there's gonna be an Islamic trivia
organised by the Islamic society
over at Clayton campus
for sure i'm going
with Aisyah
and a bunch of other kenalans from the musollah

and Sat
i kinda can't decide what to do on Sat
after IISCA that is
read about the hindi movie screening on her blog
saw the poster at the Indian groceries over at Carnegie just now
contemplating whether to watch it or not
it's a rare chance over here in Melbourne
watching a hindi movie in a cinema
according to them it's a great show
feature ends this week
it started last week
kalau ajak Aisyah mesti dia on
ada Zayed Khan kape
but kalau gie confirm balik lambat
i've tons of housework to be done the next day
since i postponed them last week due to assignments
then again
maybe i should save my money for Troy
that's opening next week
heard from him that it's supposed to be great
besides, i need to go grocery shopping
kinda have the urge to splurge on a few things too
namely Oceanus body foam
and a couple of new sweaters
abeh kalau dah gie shopping
takkan pulak nak bawak benda2 tuh semua masuk cinema kan?
mcm kentalan gituk
but then again
what the heck yeah?

so
movie or no movie?

decisions decisions

*Mujhse Dosti Karoge song playing on mp3*

have you guys ever wronged a person,
so much so that even after you've been forgiven
you would still feel ashamed or embarassed
to ever face that person again?

truth is Na,
that is how i feel towards you
ever since what i did last year

i cried for days after it happened
felt ashamed
guilty
embarrased
and what not

the thought of running away even came across my mind
it would have been so easy to do so
the passport was there
the money was there
who cares about the consequences
act now consequences later

but i made myself come back
from that long walk i took to Chadstone
i'm old enough
to be able to face the music

it's true
we've been great actresses
bleh menang Golden Globe kan?
but i've never been one
to be able to express my feelings face to face
thus i guess
the reason for this blog
i'm more comfortable penning it down
you'll find in here
things that i would never say upfront
some of my deepest
and most emotional moments have been captured in here

"sigh* Just had a counselling session wif Kak Nish. After Mich msged me on MSN, I felt kinda... weird? I dunno. I juz had to talk to somebody. N Nishy was there thank god. Dammit man, I'm beginning to cry! *urgh* Ever since dat day I've never failed to regret and reproach myself for wat I did. And ever since dat day oso, things haf nvr been d same btn us. I feel truly ashamed and segan towards her semenjak hari tuh. Nish is right though. Running away is not d way to gain her trust back. I gotta do otherwise. Ku patut mengetepikan perasaan malu and try to repair the damage. Ironic isnt it? Malu utk melakukan perkara yg baik tetapi tidak pula ku rasa malu semasa melakukan perkara itu. *sigh*
The heart to heart wif Nishy really did me good though. I juz hope dat... Hhmm... I'm juz hoping for the best... =S"
my entry on January 10th 2004

"The only regret that I have so far now, is what I've done towards her. It plays in my mind day in day out."
my entry on February 22nd 2004

don't ever doubt
that i've not been thinking
about how things are between us
i have k

during the holidays
i so wanted to contact you
each time i see you on MSN
i so wanted to talk to you

but i was not sure Na
of where i stand
i was embarrased
tak tau mana nak letak muka
i was embarrassed
when i saw your parents at the airport before we left
i felt truly ashamed
they must really despise me aye?
for doing what i did
can't really blame them can i?

i was even more unsure of our relationship
when i realised you and Michelle have been in touch
i asked myself
what does that mean for me?
should i have made the first move
and tried keeping in touch with you?
or do you feel like not wanting to anymore?

i guess
it was then when i decided to distance myself from both of you
TIna's right though
that's not really a good idea
but then again
you're both probably better off without my friendship anyway

that could probably explain
why i'm more open towards others than you
it's because of that scar i've caused
i've never been able to forgive myself
for putting that scar in the first place

i told my parents something did happen between us
but i've never revealed to them
what exactly it is
i don't want them to feel ashamed towards me
of course they pester me about it
but you of all people should know
i can be very good at avoiding an issue

and i was not trying to put up a brave front on Sunday
the news didn't really sink in immediately
it was only on the way to school
and upon reaching it
did it really dawn on me
the enormity of it all
and i guess
we're both emotional fools
coz i had to break down
for what exactly
i'm not sure
there was all these mixed feelings inside of me at that time

will we be happy going our separate ways?
will things ever get better?
is this the way to mend what we had?
only He knows yea?

pray for me too
coz you of all people
should know that
i'm not as strong
as i seem to be

take care love

mind: muddled and lost
heart: VERY VERY unsettled

i NEED something
a du'a or listen to a recitation
that could help untangle my thoughts
and ease my heart

i guess it was long time coming
should have seen it
feels like a thight slap across my face

or maybe i'm thinking too much?

*shrugs*

so much to decide on now as a result of it
gonna be messy
worse part is trying to tell the parents
maybe it's time i reveal the truth yea?

*sigh*

thanks for comforting me Tina
i really needed that cry

is depression the work of Syaitan?

it was fun
tiring
but definitely fun

we had that assignment due yesterday
that pairwork assignment
been staying late in school since tues to complete it
late as in real late
reached home,
tues nite: 11.30pm
wed nite: 12midnite

but thurs nite was great
it wasn't juz me and Ambre, my partner, who was in studio as well working on it
there was Osman and his sister Hatice
Michael and his partner
and a few other people doing the same unit
in the same boat with us
racing against time to finish it

despite the work,
what made it fun was the fact that there were all those people around
as tired as we were
it didn't seem all so bad

got some things to shout out

to Ambre
i'm sorry for being such a dumbo at this unit
thanks for putting up with me
thanks for being such a great partner to work with

to the future software engineer, Ali Khan
thank you thank you thank you thank you so much
for everything
for staying late on tue, wed and thur
helping us with the assignment
working it through with us
we owe you LOTS man
and thanks too for giving me a lift home on tues n wed

to Osman and Hatice
it was great fun working with you both
and thanks too
for giving me a ride home on thurs nite
or was it fri morning?

yea
i overnight in school on thur
went home only on early fri morn
at 5am

came home,
put the finishing touches on the report
by the time i was done,
it was 2pm

went to school to submit it
with the intention of going to grocery shop at Brunswick after that
coz i've plans after IISCA later today
so can't grocery shop

bumped into Aisyah in the prayer room
told her about it
and she wanted to come along
reached home almost 11pm
coz we stopped at IISCA for Maghrib and Isyak
and had dinner at Ong

that was how i spent my fri(yest)
now i gotta get my life back on track
things have been put to a halt due to the assignment

plans for weekend?
sat (later today) IISCA and a group meeting in school at 3pm
sun: group meeting at 11am

yes
i'm going to school even on the weekends